It wasn’t the pain that woke me up. I was so doped up I wouldn’t have been able to feel a bus if it were trying to give me an enema.
No, it wasn’t the pain. It was the cold. The cold of hundreds of little, starting to melt, ice cubes that filled the bathtub- packing me in.
Yeah, you guessed it- and I guess I don’t really need to tell you the story that led up to that part. It’s a bit of a cliché these days, I know. A pretty girl…a much to pretty girl…in a bar, something slipped into my drink, a hotel room, blacking out…I can only assume there was some kind of cooler involved for my kidney…
I hope the just took my kidney.
So, yes, I fell for the age-old trick and woke up in a bathtub full of ice cubes. Freezing, little ice cubes.
It didn’t hurt, getting out of the bathtub. My legs were a little weak but I was able to stand. Of course…my clothes were gone. My wallet, me watch…my shoes.
It didn’t take long, getting to where I -really- needed to go. You walk out of a hotel holding a blood stained wash cloth over your crotch, a giant gash in your side bleeding through shoelace stitches…well…someone is bound to call the cops.
“Problem there, boy? You’re walking kind of funny. And naked.”
“I…I think I’ve been robbed.”
“You think? They just take your clothes? Or they take your memory, too?”
“No, no…they took my kidney…at least I think they did. I’m bleeding…and it’s starting to really hurt…hurt…and…I’m not feeling so good. I think I just need to get home and rest.”
Whatever the had drugged me with had completely worn off while I was in the back of the police car. Pain. Indescribable pain took control of my entire body. I started to vomit on myself, I couldn’t move, I just had to let it happen. The sirens blared and shattered my nerves. I screamed and pounded on the windows, wanting to be free of the noise, free of the pain. Wanting to be under the wheels of the oncoming traffic.
“This is very serious, indeed.”
I was strapped to something. I couldn’t move my arms or my legs.
There was that woman from the bar again. Beautiful. Buy you a drink? Oh, no no..it’s on me.
“You said he was just walking down the street?”
“Yeah, concierge at the hotel called as soon as he walked out of the elevator.”
“Remarkable. I’m surprised he was able to even stand up.”
Hotel? You must be from out of town…oh…L.A. Swanky. Why yes, I do fancy another drink before we leave.
Here, let me help you with your coat. You don’t have a coat? Right…it is summer. I’m not thinking straight.
“The pain-killer should be taking full effect any second now. Then we can get to work repairing whatever damage may have been done to him. These black market organ people…disgusting. Organs…people’s lives in danger, just for a bit of cash.”
“Ah. You’re awake! Good. The surgery was a success. You can live a full life with one kidney, so don’t be discouraged. Just be careful. You can’t over do yourself anymore. But…”
“No. I just had my kidney stolen…yeah, stolen…from me. There are no “buts”. There is no “but.””
“I don’t quite know how to tell you this..”
“Listen to me, doctor…” I could have pulled myself out of that bed and beat him. I had been operated on twice in under 24 hours. I was hurting, I was angry, and I still had no clothes or money or anything. The doctor was lucky that I was strapped in.
“Listen…it’s not really, scientifically possible…”
“Spit it out, doc. Spit it out or leave and let me rest. Or better yet. Shut the fuck up and get me some pain killers.”
What the fuck is right. Pregnant? First, some hot chick and god knows who else jack my kidney and leave me for dead in an ice filled bathtub. The some quack doctor tells me I’m pregnant. I’m a man. I have a fucking penis and ball sack. Hair on my chest and a proclivity for violence. I’m a man, hear me roar and get me a fucking beer.
“Yes. It was a very…unexpected…discovery. It seems when they took your kidney the replaced it with…”
“A fucking baby? They put a baby in me. That’s disgusting. Who does that?”
“It’s still alive. Maybe nine months along…but it’s still alive…living off of you.”
“Doc, if you’re fucking with me, I swear…somehow…I’ll find a way to introduce your teeth to my fist.”
“It’s very advanced surgery. I never even knew it was possible. But, I was unable to remove it.”
“You better explain that “but” to me, doc. I’m not living my life with a fucking baby in me.”
“That’s the thing. It would be you in even more danger if I had removed the…baby. The only way to be…rid…of it, is to give birth.”
You think I’m fucking with you, don’t you? This man is delirious, you must be screaming.
I wish I was.
“I can’t give birth. I’m a man. A male of this species.”
“Don’t tell me…”
“In order to save your life…and the baby’s life…we had to make some, well, adjustments to your body.”
“If I look under these covers and you’ve castrated me, I swear to God I’m going to kill you.”
“I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s a very strange occurrence, indeed. Now lie back. I have to induce labor and we will get that little tyke out of you right away.”
Never trust a beautiful woman. Especially if the dame is willing to pay for your drinks then take you back to her room.
It’s always the beautiful ones, isn’t it?
Who else but a beautiful woman could impregnate a man?