How profound is that?
I’ll explain: things happen and it’s fucked up. Things happen to fuck up situations, emotions, all that baggage.
Things happen and people deal with it better than others.
Like, say, your father left his wife – your step mom- of 25 years.
What do you do?
Most people would be upset, pissed off, crushed.
Most people would. My sister is. She went through it when our parents divorced.
I was too young, barely cognizant of my own existence, at that point in our lives.
Just like my father I’m an emotional wasteland. We’re barren, some have said soulless.
We don’t show much emotion, if at all. No one knows how we are feeling, what we’re thinking.
Talking to my father last night it became painfully clear how similar we actually we are. As he broke down the events of the night he left, how they paralleled the night he left my mother.
While he was doing so I could see my own life unfolding. Little home videos of past relationships flashing and fading away and all ending in the phrase he used multiple times on the phone last night:
I love her. I always will. I’m just not in love with her anymore.
It’s a saying I’ve heard a lot, from multiple people. It happens. It’s happened to me. Relationships burn bright and either explode, fizzle out, or if you’re lucky, slowly glow until the end.
Now on to Selma*. Selma is that woman (or man) that you always want but can’t/shouldn’t have. Selma changes every time, maybe daily. Selma is that grass beyond the fence.
Everyone has a Selma, whether they choose to act on it or not. Everyone has that one (or more) person that, even though they are in a relationship, they can fall completely in love with – even if just superficially.
Few people act on their love for Selma. She’s dangerous, she’s a change, she’s a catalyst for a new life, she’s exactly what you need.
She’s also a siren on the rocks, a tiger lying in wait. You decide to go after your Selma and the shock-waves will be felt in every little part of your life.
It’s a big decision. Selma is not to be taken lightly.
Once you pick Selma, there is no going back. The change has set in faster than you could close the door behind you with a weeks worth of clothes tucked under your arm.
What happens if you don’t act on your personal Selma dilemma? Do you stay in your relationship, all the while dreaming about your Selma?
It happens to everyone- you can deny it all you want, but you know it’s true.
Listening to my father, it was almost like a curse had revealed itself. The Curse of the Riley’s Hearts. Never meant to be stable, always searching, always wandering and wondering.
My sister has already had a taste of the curse.
So have I.
Is it a cycle, like my with my father? Married, decide on Selma. Marry again, decide on Selma.
Is my life going to change when the next Selma smiles at me? When I bump into Selma on the bus or the train, maybe reaching for the same over priced Red Bull?
Am I cursed, destined to follow the cycle of my father’s heart?
* Selma is taken from Charles Bukowski’s “Women” in which, upon meeting a friends wife (Selma) he reflects “Where is My Selma?”, just so you know.